Sunday, 22 February 2015

An Open Letter to G

G, what can I say, it takes a lot to cry my eyebrows off,  but there I was watching 50 shades of grey and not because the opening scene was one of the most awkward things I've ever seen (it definitely did not help the situation though) 

I've known you a long time, I'm not sure how I feel about fate, and all that jazz, but you moving rooms and giving me a heart attack about my brothers card, still makes me laugh to this day. We both seemed to move into that room that night, drinking, smoking and watching terrible cartoons. I never thought I'd have to explain what 'ballsack' meant, but there we go. I'd never had an experience like the one I had with you, not just physical but the feeling you get when you lie by someone saying nothing and knowing that person is just as happy. Even though we both knew it always not right and dark but we still carried on.

Every time I planned on going to London you were at the forefront of my mind. To this day I am still not over the fact that we both  thought the other stood them up, and that we both decided to be stubborn enough not to contact the other to see what happened for a year. There's not many people with whom I'd rather just hang out with in a room in London rather than see anything with than you, though I do treasure our one date we had.

Now, well in three weeks, as I have done time and time again, you are leaving. But unlike me London has lost the charm for you and you are in no rush to come back, and that's obviously fine, four continuous years away from everything, doing shifts and not even coming close to an oven would take its toll on anyone, you have your responsibilities at home and you've had promises made to you and made by you, you can only hang around for so long. Seeing you this week, getting ready to go, I don't know, I  thought you'd be happier, the argument you had that day and the day before would put anyone in a bad mood, but at one stage I almost felt  you wanted me to tell you to just run away with me, but my life is not a David Nicholls novel, this is not One Day or The Notebook, life doesn't work like that.

Saying  that at our last meeting there you seemed even more quiet, with much more on your mind than normal, feelings you had previously had bubbled up ten fold. you regret what you did with me and to me, forgetting I made the choices of my own accord, I am not and was never a child being easily led, no matter what you or my parents think. I chose you 4 years ago and all those times I visited, I would be a ball of nerves going to see you, but it was always so natural and lovely and why would I  chose to visit you if I didn't think you were good and loving and kind. You helped me in the last four years figure our who I am and I don't know who I'd be if it wasn't for you and for you to question how good you are as a person because of me hurts a lot, I am no ones mistake, to be regretted I am much better than than and I deserve more than that. You deserve more too. I would never warn anyone against you, you helped make me feel that someone could would want me, not just as a casual thing, but someone that wants to know me, like to know what I'm thinking by looking at me.

I might actually never see you again, never mind anything else, that hurts my absolute soul, deep down, but I just  want you to be so happy at home, and have an abundance of children, All things in life happen for a reason and I'm very happy our paths crossed in that hotel in the city of London, I wish you the best of everything, I only wish I had been brave enough to have said this to you, and  even to admit some things I've denied for so long, all I can say is thank you and I love you. That's it, I love you.


Dear everyone or anyone that reads this. For the love of yourself, tell people how you feel about them. Because of my fear  of telling someone how I felt I have basically stunted my loving growth, This is not Gs doing but my own. I have to sit in my room trying to figure out through all my tears what I feel and try and release these feelings and emotions through this medium because I am afraid. This is not how its supposed to be done. Whats the worst that can happen?? Please learn from my mistakes. If you  managed to read this whole thing, know I appreciate it. I needed to get this out of my body so I wouldn't start crying at work or in public, which does happen anyway and it might still happen. The world is for loving, love and know I Love you.